Anger

Anger -

I was born into it and swam in it as I grew. It became the very substance in which I found my habitation. I adapted to it - in micro-evolutionary processes my limbs, colors and biology were all changed by its effects.

I walk around in it. A creature enveloped in her own private ocean, tossed to and fro by the ebb and flow of its powerful waves. I emerge a mutated creature from this primordial soup of rage. I have learned to live, no...thrive, in its sticky mess. I've learned the rules that govern; I've learned survival of the fittest in this chaos of hurt and anger.

I've lived in its depths the last few years. Afraid, yet at home. Deep below the surface where little light can penetrate. And there, its effects have been most damaging. The weight of its atmospheres have burdened me, its darkness has consumed me, and its effects have withered my soul. I've been angry about so many things and have evolved into a bottom-feeder - eating junk and excrement and things long dead.

The problem with this evolutionary process is that at best I ooze this "poisonous brew" onto others and at worst I bring total devestation as waves of anger rise up into tsunami walls and bear down upon those in their paths.

Well, no longer. This bottom-dweller has ventured up far enough to risk exposure to the light. There is fear, there is trepidation, there is disorientation as my evolved-organs have no use in this place. There is also hope here, for I find not the powerful evolutionary forces that have always molded me, but rather the Spirit, Himself, hovering over the waters - waiting to create.

So I will surrender to creation, I will cooperate as He makes me a creature of a new world. For I must believe that as I stand in this genesis, I also stand within the realm of His resources. Things are really different here - my lungs are not used to air, my body cannot adjust to gravity - but I will stay. I will explore the beach. And then, one day, I will leave the sand, turn my back to the ocean and venture into His newly made world.

O, Spirit, help me not to jump back into the ocean where comfort (and death that looks like life)call to me. Help me to live and move in this kingdom of Yours where pain and discomfort and laying aside old necessities seems to be the norm for right now (maybe forever?). This kingdom of Yours where life seems to look and feel more like death than anything else.